Permissive parenting is killing me in the classroom and it's making kids miserable.

A colleague is having problems with a learner. She runs a tight ship and students respect her and like her, but her usual behaviour techniques are not cutting it with this child. He is seldom involved in serious incidents, but his low level disruptive behaviour is wearing her down. He is what we sometimes call a "Teflon Kid" - nothing sticks to him! Let's call him Carl.

• Carl just doesn't think that the rules apply to him.
• Carl doesn't care if you call home.
• Carl would rather do endless detentions than give you ground on his behaviours.
• Carl is a giant thorn in the side of his teachers and he is underperforming massively. 
• Carl's parents are at a loss how to deal with their teenage son and can offer no support. 

Sound familiar?

There have always been Carls in my classroom, and over the years they have become more and more common. But why are they so hard to crack?

The conclusion I have come to over 20 years in the classroom is that "permissive parenting" is to blame; it's killing me in the classroom, and ruining the chances of some young people.

Many parents want to be friends with their children - perhaps they they watched the Gilmore Girls once too often - and they have a vsion of a cosy, rosy relationship with their child where they share interests and cultural references. "He's like my best mate" I overheard one mother say to a friend about her 3 year old.

Trust me, a 3 year old does not need their parent to be their "mate". They should have age appropriate friends and so should parents. A 3 year old's job is to figure out their place in the world; a parent's job is to reassure them that their place is at the heart, not the head, of the family. They are not in charge - the parent is.

I observed a neighbour's daughter with her small child not long ago playing in the garden. The child started to push his boundaries and test out what he could get away with - all very healthy so far - but when his mother said "no" to his desire to continue playing when it was time to go inside, he started to cry. Instead of firmly pressing on with going inside, the mother gave in. Just another five minutes, and another, and another. A full hour later and the then screaming toddler was carried inside with promises of sweeties if he stopped crying.

What these nice, well-meaning, middle class parents have taught their child is that "No" is an invitation to open negotiations. Having trained their parents to bend to their will, the child will find it almost impossible to believe that the rest of the world does not work like that too.

If you appease and indulge a small child then they will grow up into a teenager who does what he wants because why wouldn't they, if parents continue to take the path of least resistance to a quiet life?

Recently I dealt with this: a fourteen year old girl wants to have her septum pierced. Her parents did not want her to, but they felt powerless to stop her, powerless to make her remove it (because she's paid for it) and powerless to support the school she attends when they asked that it be replaced by a clear one. They look ashamed at their lack of influence over their child but not ashamed enough to manage the situation. They are horrified at the suggestion that they should confront the person who has unlawfully put a hole in their child's face. Their lack of ability to confront anything is staggering.

These are the same parents who will write a note to school excusing their son/daughter's lack of homework or absence from school. They will take their child's word for it that they have not done/done what the school says they have done/not done. They co-sign on the behaviour.

A colleague phoned a parent to inform them that their son had a detention for not doing homework. The response from the parent was - more or less - "good luck with that". They could offer no support in ensuring that their child met the expectations of the school they were so desperate to get their child into.

I wonder as a teacher, do these parents understand that while they are co-signing on the poor behaviours, they are co-signing on their child's lack of progress and ultimate underperformance in their exams?

They are often the same parents who will then hold someone else responsible for their child's difficulties. They will see that their child is unhappy and blame the school. They seem to have no idea that they have caused a situation where their child is at constant loggerheads with the institution designed to help, support and guide them to success.

Eventually the parents realise that they have given away all of their power and they withdraw from the situation and bury their heads firmly in the sand. Permissive parenting turns into neglectful parenting. I have seen situations where one parent has left the family home because they "can't cope" leaving the other one to pick up the pieces; the parents who stop answering the phone calls/emails/letters about their child; and - tragically - the parents who throw the child out.

I want to shake these parents - your child is unhappy because you continually reinforce the idea that they can do what they like without consequences.

Here's the pattern that I see over and over again:

• Pacify
• Appease
• Ignore  
• Co-sign
• Blame
• Withdraw

Within this pattern, periodic attempts at confronting behaviours are really damaging. Something happens that needs a really firm line which the parents try to take but then they back off or back down. So now the child knows for sure that he will win if he just outlasts his parents. It's about stamina and he's got plenty of it and no other tools to use.

When I deal with Carl and his ilk, I have to remember that he is the product of his upbringing. Carls are never happy. They do not feel safe. They are rarely successful. It's a shame and it's not something I can easily fix.